Colton is a virgin!! Not sure if you heard that yet. But yeah he is. It’s true. Colton is a V. He still has his v-card. No one has “popped his cherry” (as one girl told him she wanted to do, which makes me believe she may be a virgin as well or have skipped Sex Ed in junior high).
But yes, Colton is a virgin.
Honestly, it seems the only one that cares is the one with the best and most apt name on the show.
I’m going to do us all a favor and skip over the awful and at times uncomfortable part of the show where they tried to find jobs for ex-bachelor contestants by having them audition on live TV as hosts for the 2025 Dick Clark Rockin’ New Years Eve. To sum it up… It wasn’t great. And it felt a little sad. Hopefully Blake has other skills on his resume, like Powerpoint or Photoshop.
Anyways, let’s dive in.
A couple of quick observations :
Colton showers a lot.
Probably too much according to this link. Maybe Colton should do himself and me a favor by cutting down on his shower time in front of cameras.
There’s going to be lots of crying.
They apparently cast every blonde girl who sent in a tape.
There will be V-jokes aplenty.
They are setting us up for the greatest hometown where Colton goes to the local prison to visit one of the contestants mom, where he has to talk to her in an old school phone receiver from behind safety glass.
And according to one of the previews of an upcoming episode, Colton may be lost and dead in the woods after he hopped a fence and fled the show.
So there’s that.
Oh and how can we not mention Arie and Lauren being pregnant.
To think that they could potentially be having the most boring baby ever born is pretty exciting.
Back to the current Bachelor.
So these first episodes are really about meeting the bachelorettes, seeing who’s a contender, who’s a pretender, who’s filler, who’s crazy (spoiler: It’s Demi and Catherine), and who is the one contestant who truly believes “he could have been the one” while only talking to him for 5 minutes and then getting booted on the first night.
Look, I’d cry too if I believed Colton was possibly “the one” and he chose 25 strangers that he just met over me. I can see how that would hurt.
Ok let’s cover off on a couple of the highlights from the first episode. Or I guess they’re really lowlights since they are sort of sad, uncomfortable and probably should be erased from the annals of TV history.
Let’s call this new Toddcast Segment, the HIGHLOWLIGHTS (trademark pending).
The girl who has “never been kissed” also has a picture of her and Colton framed from when she met him once at an event last year.
I know this is “reality” that’s made for TV. But it’s just fucking weird. I don’t care if the show made you do it. It’s creepy. Don’t do that again. And also this isn’t a picture of you framed with Donald Glover or Lady Gaga or Steph Curry… I could get behind that. It’s a picture of you and Colton, a guy who came in 4th on a reality show.
Somehow the girl from Alabama with the mom in prison also said this.
Should I be more surprised by this? I’m not. But should I be? I don’t think so. I mean I want to be. But I just can’t get there. This feels like it may fit her story.
The Sloth… ugh. Just stop. Please stop. We’re all begging you to stop.
Holy shit was this not funny. I think The Sloth’s walk up was longer than she actually lasted on the show. Also, a rule of thumb on wearing costumes on the show. If you’re going to wear a costume to stand out, you better be worth it when that costume comes off. From what we saw on the show, the Sloth was probably the more likable of her two personalities she brought to the show.
We got to meet this season’s wanna-be Krystal, who also happens to be a 26-year old cat woman who DJ’s.
She pulled off the quadruple cut-in, which I don’t think has ever been tried on the show before. So that’s impressive. It’s like the Triple Lindy of reality TV (Rodney Dangerfield reference, check it out).
But all I can assure you is that we are definitely heading towards lots of screen time spent on DJ Cat Woman until the producers allow Colton to boot her from the show. She makes me pine for the days of Krystal and Corrine.
What a coup to get not just one Miss USA Winner… but two! North Carolina AND Alabama.
Who knows what storyline they have planned for this. But to get a little behind the scenes into the rivalry of a competition that judges women solely on looks should be interesting. My question is which one will be the first to show off their “talent” to Colton. I have Miss North Carolina as a 2 to 1 favorite. She seems more desperate.
My wife called this out, and now I can’t unsee it. But Colton’s bronzer makes it look that he got hit in the forehead with a football, leaving a permanent dent.
If you’re going to make a “popping his cherry” joke with a prop, then please make the extra effort to get a cherry balloon and not settle for a regular red balloon. As a viewer of this ridiculous show, I don’t ask for much. But if I’m going to make the effort by watching 3 hours(!) of TV on Monday night, then I ask that you simply google how to make a cherry balloon.
It took me 15 seconds to find 2 great options for a cherry ballon.
What I’m saying is, effort matters!
So many things to say about this Hot Tub Dumpster Fire
1. Is there a bachelor couple people care about less than Krystal and Goose?
2. There is a line of girls in bathing suits on national TV waiting to join them in there? As a father of a young daughter, my job is to keep her from ever embarrassing the family like these girls did to their poor fathers who tried to do everything right to keep them from this moment in their lives. It’s a tragedy. My heart goes out to their dads.
3. Minus some shrubbery, this whole Hot Tub disaster is basically on the side of the road in LA. Can’t we find a better location for this dumpster fire?
Lastly, let’s finish this off with a little contender and frontrunner talk. There are three guaranteed Final 4.
Hannah G. got the first impression rose, seems normal and is blonde.
Alabama Hannah is the better prospect of the two beauty queens. Great personality and is blonde (you’re seeing a trend).
Cassie is a personal favorite over here and who I believe will win it all. Yup, blonde.
And then the next batch
Miss North Carolina and her sash.
Katie and the V Card
Demi because I’m holding out hope for that hometown prison meet and greet.
I’d like to leave you all with some unsolicited words of advice. Because if we learned one thing from tonight’s show…
It’s to dream bigger, folks. Dream bigger.
See you next Monday!
It’s been a long 3 weeks. But life, work and vacation got in the way… and to be completely honest, I’m pretty lazy.
But the past is in the past. Thank you for accepting my apologies and like future “Becca stalker” Chris couldn’t do… let’s move on.
If those intentions are to argue with Lincoln like you’re 12, act like a whiny bitch, and get shown up by Wills… then yes, your intentions are spot on.
Before we get to the action. Let’s take a moment to talk about people that are gone, that we really didn’t even know were here.
It pains me to say goodbye to Nick and his velvet track suit.
Stay tuned for his next role as a sensei for the Cobra Kai dojo.
Man Bun. Gone.
Banjo man. Gone.
Harlem Globetrotter. Gone.
You have to give it to the guy, he had one moment on camera the whole show and nailed it.
Jean Blanc. Oh Jean Blanc. What the hell were you thinking Jean Blanc? This was one of the biggest and mentally unstable car crashes we’ve seen on this show. (Until Chris of course.) You created a perfume and named it Becca Blanc?
Guess what Jean Blanc… Becca isn’t taking the last name “Blanc.” Becca Blanc? Is she a porn star? Doing that made her realize that she can’t marry you. If even if she loved you, she couldn’t have the name Becca Blanc. It’s silly. Amateur move Jean Blanc.
Also, asking for your gift back on the way out, which he definitely did even though he played it off like he didn’t, is not something you do when you have cameras on you. Maybe if it’s just you and her in a camera free zone, sure take that Becca Blanc scent home. It’s not like she’s going to be heading out on a date with Colton and right before she heads out the door, she puts a finishing touch of Becca Blanc on her. That’s like spraying failure on yourself before a big meeting. But still… wait til the cameras are off. That’s all I’m saying.
And the “I’m falling in love with you” nail in the coffin. There’s an old bachelorette proverb, “it’s only too early to say it, if she thinks you’re a creep and can’t wait to send you home.” Au revoir Jean Blanc.
So someone actually said this about David after the first episode:
“Chicken Suit - When you wear a chicken suit and cluck “Becca, Becca, Becca” on the first episode of the bachelorette, you are either crazy or a millionaire and don’t give a shit. And let’s just say, chicken suit man is not crazy. So keep an eye on this guy.”
The dipshit who said that was me.
I have never disliked anyone on TV more than this guy. That includes the likes of Sean Hannity, Ross from Friends, this guy who got Wha-boomed
And of course this guy...
… you name it, David tops the list.
This guy fell off a bunk bed, broke his face, came back to the show with his eye swollen and his nose relocated to the right side of his face, and I still couldn’t care for him. All I thought when I saw his face was, “Goddammit, now Becca can’t get rid of him. He’s going to get a rose.”
So anyway, their two on one was some of the worst time ever spent on TV. Two a-holes bickering in the desert. Out of the two of them, I somewhat liked Jordan after this. Seemed like a genuine guy. Had a little more substance to him than previously shown. And then dinner happened. To be honest, it wouldn’t have upset me if Becca left them both in the desert and then we saw this shot as Becca took off in a helicopter leaving them behind.
Jordan and David… go away. Both of you are f-ing annoying. But I know we’ll see both of you guys in paradise. So until then.
Holy shit this is long. I guess that what happens when you take a few weeks off.
Alright, who’s next? Lincoln?
Lincoln believes the Earth is flat.
Are you f-ing kidding me, Lincoln? Come on man. You're better than that.
Connor? Well, Connor is a goner.
He never fully recovered from his picture throwing scandal from way back when. It always felt like he was just shark bait the whole time. Just keeping him around to eventually boot when needed. He’ll be another Paradise guy. I’m calling it early, Connor and Bekah in Paradise. You heard it here first. I think.
Oh, I forgot… John is gone too. I couldn't even find a gif of John.
And now to a guy who went from what seemed like final four potential to bait that even a shark wouldn’t touch, Chris.
Alright dude. Let's go.
You have to give Chris credit. He took the whole “i’m taking my ball and going home” to a whole new level. The guy is in love one second, thinks he’s the frontrunner and then one date later where it doesn’t go his way and “i think i’m going home.” Who are you punishing? Were you going to deprive us of two more episodes of you whining and complaining? Stealing from us you and Lincoln bickering like an old married couple who are both just hoping to outlive each other?
This was Becca giving Chris a rose after he threatened to go home the first time.
It looks like Becca gave him this rose at gunpoint.
And I’m not a relationship counselor, but I can say with almost 100% certainty, that there’s nothing a woman likes more than you showing up unannounced to her apartment at 1am in the morning to finish a talk that she intentionally escaped from earlier.
A picture says a gazillion words.
It’s not shocking Becca sent him home after this. What’s shocking is that she didn’t call the cops when Chris showed up at her door like American Psycho.
What Chris did give us was the rise of Wills. God damn is this guy cool.
That's right... a repeat gif. Because it's that good.
Hands down the funniest part of any bachelorette show was him telling Chris “no” when Chris asked for more time.
It was like telling your child that time is up and the adults are going to hang out now. Gold.
Look, Wills isn’t winning. But in my book, he already won.
Another non-winner is Leo. Is it me or does Leo feel like the perfect older brother? This guy doesn’t get rattled. Doesn’t involve himself in the nonsense. Looks like he could kick anyone’s ass. And is a stuntman! He finally got his moment in the sun on a one on one. Unfortunately Becca wasn’t all there. Which seems to be a Becca thing by the way. She tends to retreat to her hole when things get tough. We’ll talk about this more another time (not in a 3-episode bonanza), but I’ve never seen anybody need “5 minutes” more than her.
That leaves us with what I believe will be the final four guys: Garrett, Colton, Jason and Blake.
Colton is the guy she wishes was a couple years older. He’s carrying the Tia baggage, which there is no way just gets swept under the rug like it did. And also doesn’t he still have his second big secret? Becca isn’t someone who likes surprises, so you can bet that secret will cause another 5-minute Becca break.
Watching Garrett, knowing what we know he already tweeted, is like watching a gust of wind that you know will eventually turn into a bigoted tornado that leaves you feeling embarrassed and sad you rooted for him all these weeks. I know it. You know it. Yet we still root for him. Also he was divorced after 2 months marriage. I’m not saying marriage is easy… but if you can’t at least make it to 6 months then you didn’t try very hard.
Blake is boring. That’s all. Sorry.
And lastly, Jason. This guy has proven me wrong. I think I called him a sleazy banker at some point. Jason, if you’re reading this… I apologize.
I’m a fan. He even pretended to have fun at the Unhappy Hour. (side note: weird date choices this season.)
With all that said… I don’t think Jason wins.
Also, not sure you heard…
Apparently Virginia paid 500K for The Bachelorette to film there. So that comes out to about 50K for every time they said that ridiculous slogan.
Eliminated Next Week
Wow… what a week!!
Where do we begin?
Convincing. We'll get to you soon enough.
Do we begin with the head scratching appearance of artist formerly known as Richard Marx? How about David the Chicken breaking his face and almost bleeding out? Colton and his convincing “i’m here for you” speech? No Rose Ceremony?! Or we could just talk about two dictators meeting in Singapore and interrupting the original broadcast and f-ing up all who DVR’ed the show ending at 10pm?
Let’s start off with, as Becca calls them, “my girls.” Or as they will be better known, “the next cast of Bachelor in Paradise.”
This was like a walk down memory lane. I forgot how much I don’t miss for one second Bekah’s over the top facial expressions and constant need to hang on to whoever’s arm is next to her.
Kendall, the girl who wow'ed us with her taxidermy feetish and passive aggressive takedown of Krystal. And Tia… poor Tia. To be brought back on the show to confront your ex-boyfriend who is now trying to sleep with your friend… well, that can’t feel great.
Becca pulls Tia aside for a little one on one talk and asks her if she thinks Colton came on the show hoping it would be Tia as the Bachelorette. Tia says “maybe.”
Now I could be overthinking this one, but why in the world would someone who is dating a girl, has her all to himself, decide “you know what would be awesome, sharing this girl with 29 other guys and hoping she picks me in the end.”
And is it a little bizarre that “best friends” Tia and Becca never discussed Tia’s boyfriend auditioning and getting on the show? I’m no detective… but this one may not be “reality TV."
The spa group date was worthless. So let’s get on to later that night. Honestly, I thought there was a better shot of Jordan winning this show, than him turning into a sympathetic figure. But god damn, Dave the Chicken Man did it in just three episodes. So smug. So condescending.
And you know what they say about karma right? It’ll knock you right off your top bunk bed and break your face. Also, let’s not forget these prophetic words from Jordan. “I talk to God every day and God knows, if Jordan’s got an issue with someone, 86 ‘em.” (that's a real quote, no joke) Sorry David, looks like God sided with Jordan.
Everyone else on that date may have just being a flower pot. So back to Colton. He finally gets his one on one time with Becca. She is very, VERY skeptical about his intentions. And this deep exchange occurs.
Becca: Did you feel anything for Tia today?
Colton: No. I’m here for you.
Then takes a shot at Arie, which we all know is the way to Becca’s heart.
Becca gives a big smile and they start kissing. Apparently Colton was convincing. And then Becca does one the funniest and coldest things I’ve ever seen done on the show. She walks right in to the room of guys sitting on the couches. They all smile and think it’s their turn. She gives the one sec hand motion. Then she takes the rose off the table, from right in front of the guys, and brings it back to Colton, leaving all the guys looking as ridiculous as they must’ve felt.
Isn’t there a production assistant who could’ve gotten the rose for her? Maybe send the boom mic guy? Someone just hanging around? Just brutal. This also brings me back to the “Garrett the Racist” tweets. And Becca backing him on social media. I’ll pose the question, which I'll probably discuss later in the season, and then move on…
Do we really know Becca?
Let’s take a commercial break and talk about one of the commercials I was forced to watch because Trump bumped the show over the allotted time and I had to finish it on demand… The promo for the new show The Proposal, hosted by former Florida Gator and New York Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer, better known to most people as Jesse the Bachelor, which is sad. Apparently on this show, people will start off as strangers, but by the end of the episode, they will be engaged. The sanctity of marriage has never been stronger.
And we’re back to our show. Becca and Chris have a pretty cool date at Capital Records with non other than… Richard Marx? Was Neil Diamond not available? Did every other artist from the last 25 years have something better to do? To put things in perspective as to how relevant Richard Marx is, his biggest and last hit “Right Here Waiting” was The Song for my 8th Grade Prom… which was in 1990.
So the “who the F is that look” on Chris’ face when he walked in the studio, while hilarious, wasn’t too much of a surprise.
Also not much of a surprise is that one of the contestants has a sob story. In this case, Chris’ estranged father didn’t return a letter Chris wrote to him 5 years ago. It’s sad. But when your dad is most likely this guy, I mean you have to cut him some slack right?
Ron’s a busy man. He’ll get back to you. Patience dude.
The only real interesting moment from their dinner was this gem from Becca. “If we never had this conversation, I would’ve never known.” Unscripted television folks.
The second group date, the football game, had a couple of key takeaways. 1) Keyshawn Johnson is broke and in need of a couple of bucks. And 2) Clay is even able to make breaking your wrist unbelievably boring.
Also… I finally nailed the Connor doppelgänger. Was driving me nuts for weeks.
Once again, these guys are somehow still on the show.
NEW TOP 4
NEXT MEN OUT